Khamis, 22 Januari 2009

What does it feels like?

What does it feels like when you were told by doctor that you have some kind of illness that can paralyze you? What do you feel when in future, your sons and daughter come home, greet you, hug you, kiss you but you actually couldn't do anything even saying thank you? Worst when their feeling is hurt suddenly though its not done in purpose? Is it okay for you to not think about it when you are actually going to live your life for about 20 or 30 years with your love one, if there still one before you die cause of oldness? What if Allah wouldn't let you to but let you have the chances to see persons that you see their birth to die earlier than you? Then what bout you? who would take care of you when everyone got their own responsible towards their family. Would you come first before their family? maybe, to make thing worst for you, at the end of your time, you suffered dying alone. ALONE. Something that are avoided from by every single creature that live on earth.

I couldn't stop myself from imagining how my life would end in future. Would there be someone there to stay by my side at the hospital or home while I'm lying on my bed, waiting for sakaratulmaut to come and take what have been given by Him…LIFE.

The same thought I've imagine when Abah was lying on his bed, staring at people that came to visit him. Friend, family, colleague. What actually he was thinking of when he saw us coming everyday. Those he feel that he's a burden to us? Hope not cause for me, I think its how Allah show me and my siblings that it is our turn to take care of him like he use to do for us back in those days when we're still little. I even thought of doing the same like he'd done to atuk. Keeps the old man accompany. Coz atuk also got stroke that actually paralyze him. I don't know much bout this stroke thing but as far as I know, either your left brain or right brain had stop functioning. Both has different function. That's all the knowledge that I've got bout this illness.

On the day he pass away, it was Pak Da that came to inform me bout it. I was really shock but I manage to control my feeling back there. With his old red Proton Saga, we both went back to Kelantan straight away that night. Abah died during maghrib azan and I'm supposed to be home by next morning before the funeral. Actually, I was at home already a day before he pass away, when he first got his stroke. Uncle Nor, Aunt Imah and Aunt Jah that came to take me back home. At that time, it was not as shocking as the day Pak Da came coz I was told first by Umi bout Abah condition. During the way back to Kelantan for both journey, the adults already told me to be prepare of the circumstances that might come I future. Just in case. When went back with Pak Da, I was touch by Mimi. With her help, the girls recite Yasin's for abah. Thanks baby. You've been really helpful that night for the yasin and the call.

We arrived home at about 4 something in the morning after a non-stop journey. Thanks also too Pak Da. Feel pity to that old man had to drove all the way home. Couldn't do anything except pray to Allah for him and his family. that morning, after finishing all the process, its was time for our last chance to see abah. he looks really peaceful and I'm glad he is. At that time, all of us kiss him and cry but as for me, I tried to not cry in front of my siblings and umi coz I don't want to be seen by them a weakling for dropping tears because of something that has been in the Qada and Qadar Allah. Suddenly, while I was trying to control my feelings, tears was dripping from my eyes when I see Adib, my youngest brother started to cry. he was 7 at that time. He asked me why they dress abah that way and why abah close his eyes all the time. I just don't know what would be the best answer at that time except to hug him and wipe his tears.

It's been 3 years since abah pass away. During the first year, everyone still hadn't forgot him. Adib keep asking bout him for bout a month or two I think. Che Su, abah's youngest sister even called me Kamarol when he saw me. Not to mention how umi, Amalina, Akram and Azrie. As for me, I did had a dream bout him a couple of time being at home like he had never been taken away by Allah. It was actually a hard time for us when umi need to manage back our financial. Wish that I could help her in much better way but I couldn't. Feels like I need to do something as the eldest, I went for work. Having the early stage of how hard it was to earn money. Only Allah know how much I missed abah. Years past and now its 2009, we've may not mention him in our daily conversation but I know, deep inside, we all missed him…A LOT…Ya Allah, help us to live through our life in future, make us a better man whenever a new day start. And do gather us back with abah at Syurga Firdaus. Amin……