Jumaat, 30 Januari 2009


We think about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it.

When we don't have, it we search for it and when we discover it we don't know what to do with it.

We fear losing it. It is our source of pleasure and pain but we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next.

It's a short word easy to spell, difficult to define, and…….IMPOSSIBLE to live without.



p/s : terkenang si dia tiap masa

Isnin, 26 Januari 2009


Khamis, 22 Januari 2009

What does it feels like?

What does it feels like when you were told by doctor that you have some kind of illness that can paralyze you? What do you feel when in future, your sons and daughter come home, greet you, hug you, kiss you but you actually couldn't do anything even saying thank you? Worst when their feeling is hurt suddenly though its not done in purpose? Is it okay for you to not think about it when you are actually going to live your life for about 20 or 30 years with your love one, if there still one before you die cause of oldness? What if Allah wouldn't let you to but let you have the chances to see persons that you see their birth to die earlier than you? Then what bout you? who would take care of you when everyone got their own responsible towards their family. Would you come first before their family? maybe, to make thing worst for you, at the end of your time, you suffered dying alone. ALONE. Something that are avoided from by every single creature that live on earth.

I couldn't stop myself from imagining how my life would end in future. Would there be someone there to stay by my side at the hospital or home while I'm lying on my bed, waiting for sakaratulmaut to come and take what have been given by Him…LIFE.

The same thought I've imagine when Abah was lying on his bed, staring at people that came to visit him. Friend, family, colleague. What actually he was thinking of when he saw us coming everyday. Those he feel that he's a burden to us? Hope not cause for me, I think its how Allah show me and my siblings that it is our turn to take care of him like he use to do for us back in those days when we're still little. I even thought of doing the same like he'd done to atuk. Keeps the old man accompany. Coz atuk also got stroke that actually paralyze him. I don't know much bout this stroke thing but as far as I know, either your left brain or right brain had stop functioning. Both has different function. That's all the knowledge that I've got bout this illness.

On the day he pass away, it was Pak Da that came to inform me bout it. I was really shock but I manage to control my feeling back there. With his old red Proton Saga, we both went back to Kelantan straight away that night. Abah died during maghrib azan and I'm supposed to be home by next morning before the funeral. Actually, I was at home already a day before he pass away, when he first got his stroke. Uncle Nor, Aunt Imah and Aunt Jah that came to take me back home. At that time, it was not as shocking as the day Pak Da came coz I was told first by Umi bout Abah condition. During the way back to Kelantan for both journey, the adults already told me to be prepare of the circumstances that might come I future. Just in case. When went back with Pak Da, I was touch by Mimi. With her help, the girls recite Yasin's for abah. Thanks baby. You've been really helpful that night for the yasin and the call.

We arrived home at about 4 something in the morning after a non-stop journey. Thanks also too Pak Da. Feel pity to that old man had to drove all the way home. Couldn't do anything except pray to Allah for him and his family. that morning, after finishing all the process, its was time for our last chance to see abah. he looks really peaceful and I'm glad he is. At that time, all of us kiss him and cry but as for me, I tried to not cry in front of my siblings and umi coz I don't want to be seen by them a weakling for dropping tears because of something that has been in the Qada and Qadar Allah. Suddenly, while I was trying to control my feelings, tears was dripping from my eyes when I see Adib, my youngest brother started to cry. he was 7 at that time. He asked me why they dress abah that way and why abah close his eyes all the time. I just don't know what would be the best answer at that time except to hug him and wipe his tears.

It's been 3 years since abah pass away. During the first year, everyone still hadn't forgot him. Adib keep asking bout him for bout a month or two I think. Che Su, abah's youngest sister even called me Kamarol when he saw me. Not to mention how umi, Amalina, Akram and Azrie. As for me, I did had a dream bout him a couple of time being at home like he had never been taken away by Allah. It was actually a hard time for us when umi need to manage back our financial. Wish that I could help her in much better way but I couldn't. Feels like I need to do something as the eldest, I went for work. Having the early stage of how hard it was to earn money. Only Allah know how much I missed abah. Years past and now its 2009, we've may not mention him in our daily conversation but I know, deep inside, we all missed him…A LOT…Ya Allah, help us to live through our life in future, make us a better man whenever a new day start. And do gather us back with abah at Syurga Firdaus. Amin……

Selasa, 13 Januari 2009

Progress in UTM

A month of holiday doesn't change me a lot. Still the old me though I did thought bout changing to a new me. But hell its hard for me. My habits turn out to be my lifestyle since finish school. At school time back there, there was this thinking where thought that it'd be cool where I get the chance to smoke in public instead of a hostel's toilet and get scrammed by Ali, get to puts on anything as long as it is called cloths and most of all wont have homeworks no more, got to spend money by my own without asking Umi what can or can't buy thing.

But then I realize that being a 20 years old student aren't just like I've been expecting before. as for the first wish, without Ali around actually turns me into heavy smoker. 2 year ago maybe just need 2 or 3 sticks per day but it seems that 2 3 sticks is like being add up 1 stick per day everyday until today, I actually can finish up 2 box or in exact amount of 40 stick for about 1 day. Maybe an hour or two hour less than a day would take. Man, at first,am not giving a shit bout how bad my lung could be, but then I know that it's bad when I started to breath just had 100 meter dash though I was actually climbing a 4 floor hostel apartment-lookalike, heading to my room on the fourth floor every single day for this day.

Always being a matter when it comes bout money. Why, people these day feed them self with it, not food and that's include me in the list. No money then there won't be entertainment or food or whatever it is. Who can live life without those craps? Well, maybe there is and tell you what, me to starting to be like one. To save my budget until ptptn is cash in, I cooked myself a pot of rice every night so that the expenses could be cut from RM10 to RM5 a day. As for cigarette, I kind a being a stingy person when it comes for it. Had it left at my room. Just a few inhale each time someone in class went for smokes. It works actually, I could live myself RM100 per a month, way saver than it was during school and MRSM.

For homeworks, there are none of it but still, had to study for the final, and finish up the reports for fieldwork and etc. it's feels like you kind a doing homework actually just that in here we called it assignment. So much for not having any homeworks in university I guess.

As for friends, these guys are cool enough I think to be hangout with. Sempoi and gila-gila is the character that suits all of them yet I still can't put too much trust, hope in them except trying to be kind and patient enough with them in order to get long with them within 4 year onwards. I do miss my colleague during MRSM but seems like what past is past, future is coming and it's sure lot tougher than it is today.

Adapting with the new atmosphere in here actually doesn't loose my patient at all but I'm actually learning without realizing the process that I;m going thru with . So, let's give it a shot. There's no option left anyway though sometimes I myself had this thinking of going for a try to MIAT again. Umi too did ask bout this since I've started in UTM. Got no clue why'd she ask bout it out of sudden. Well, maybe being a surveyor is not what I am suppose to but neither do being an aircraft engineer nor an English teacher that get his TESL oversea and ending up by thanking his uncle for the rest of life. Maybe what I meant to be is just to be a better person that lead his life day by day in a better way. I'm just some guy that enjoys himself getting up by his own from failure and a little help from up there. O Allah, do help me in this journey. Am not getting to the top with no help from you. Something that everyone know.